Crabbe Tree
by ParaKeet007
Summary: This is a story about Hermione, Goyle, Crabbe and their love lives! It's a funny story with some twists so please be kind, rewind! Just kidding, please R&R :-)
1. The Boyfriend

"Crabbe Tree"  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own HP, Ms. (Or Mrs.?) Rowling does!  
  
Chapter One: The Boyfriend  
  
It's Harry Potter's fifth year in school. Right now, Harry is in his room, alone except for Hedwig's empty cage. "I wonder what everyone else is doing right now. Sirius, Ron, Hermione, all of them. I'm sure it's more interesting that what I'm doing. Just think of tomorrow, Harry. Oh no! I'm talking to myself!"  
  
"HARRY!" Aunt Petunia screeches from the stairs. "Come wash the car, or else no meals for a week!!"  
  
"Coming, Aunt Petunia." Harry trudges down the stairs to do the last chore of the summer. Tomorrow, Harry leaves for school. Now I know what you're thinking, "Oh! Harry must go to a private school." Well, you're partly right. Harry goes to a school so private, that unless you knew it was there, you'd never find it. Harry attends Hogworts; School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He goes to London and takes a train there every year from Platform 9 ¾. He spends all of his holidays there too, considering where he'd have to go if he didn't.  
  
It was late when Harry finished washing the car, so he headed straight to bed when he was finished. When he went up to his room, Hedwig was sitting on his bed munching on a mouse, with two letters! "Yes!" Harry yells and lunges for the letters. "Ron and Hermione!"  
  
"Dear Harry, How are you? Everything's fine here. Fred and George are grounded for inventing a candy that makes you forget how to speak English and gave it to Percy before his interview at the ministry. It was really funny though. He could only speak Polish and it took mum and dad an hour to figure how to fix him! Anyways, I can't wait to see you tomorrow! Guess what? Hermione has a new boyfriend! She won't tell me who though, can you wheedle it out of her? Good luck! Bye, Ron."  
  
"A boy friend? I wonder if it's Viktor. Oh! I have a letter from her, maybe she wrote about it."  
  
"Dear Harry, How is everything? Did you finish your homework? I got it all done in June so I could be free the rest of the summer. I read a fascinating book about Witchcraft in the 1920's and I also got a copy of "Hogworts; a History, Revised" Now you and Ron can read it! Then I can stop telling you everything. I hope to see you tomorrow! Bye, Hermione."  
  
"What, nothing about her new beau?! I'll just ask her tomorrow." And with that, Harry packed his trunk and went to bed. 


	2. The Letter

"Crabbe Tree"  
  
Chapter 2: The Letter  
  
Harry got a ride to the train station from his Uncle Vernon, and then he went to platform 9 ¾. He immediately spotted the Weasley family; their red hair gave them away, and ran over to Ron.  
  
"Ron! Hey!"  
  
"Hey Harry! I've missed you this summer!"  
  
"Yes, I know! I got your letter last night. Hermione sent me a letter, too."  
  
"And? Who's the mystery man?"  
  
"I don't know, she didn't say. She didn't even mention a boy friend in her letter."  
  
"The nerve! Holding out on her best friends. Does he even go to Hogworts? For all we know, it could be Krum!"  
  
"Ron, dear! You and Harry should board the train! You'll miss it! Oh, you have dirt on your nose! Come here!" Mrs. Weasley had a bad habit of embarrassing Ron in public.  
  
"Come on, Harry! We don't want to be late!" Ron called, avoiding his mother. "Hermione will just find us on the train if she's not tied up with her 'boyfriend. We don't even know if he's real.'"  
  
Harry and Ron boarded the train and took their usual compartment in the back. Sure enough, Hermione showed up about ten minutes later.  
  
"Good afternoon, Harry. You, too Ron! What a lovely day!" Hermione was smiling like she had just won the Nobel Peace Prize.  
  
"Okay, sunshine, Spill it!" Ron was on her faster than a jackrabbit on a hot tin roof. [A/n: Sorry, I couldn't resist. :-)]  
  
"I really don't know what you're talking about Ron," said Hermione, slightly red in the face.  
  
"You have a boyfriend, don't you? Now who is he? You could have at least told Harry. So now you owe it to us! So spill!" Ron was slightly hysterical at this point.  
  
"Okay, I admit it. I have a new boyfriend. I'm not telling you who he is, so LEAVE ME ALONE!" Hermione slammed the compartment door shut on her way out.  
  
"Okay, help me go through her bags, Harry! Quickly, in case she decides to come back!"  
  
"What are we looking for?"  
  
"A note, a gift, anything! Ah ha! A letter! I'll read it: 'My dearest Angel, How are you, darling? I am simply despondent without your radiant smile in my life! I miss your chestnut tresses and eyes as deep as the Heavens. I miss every unique aspect of you! Your flawless disposition and your impeccable taste in music! I love you! Until I see your shining face again, with all my love, Pooky Bear.'"  
  
I'm guessing that you know Harry and Ron's reaction to the letter. If you said laughter, you're wrong. They were rapturous with laughter! When Hermione finally came back, Harry and Ron had almost stopped laughing, but the sight of 'Pooky Bear's Angel', it started all over again. Hermione didn't understand what was so funny until she saw the paper on the floor.  
  
"YOU WENT THROUGH MY THINGS?! HOW COULD YOU!" Hermione, again, turned red.  
  
"You wouldn't tell us anything! It was our right as your friends to make sure you were ok. You could be on drugs for all we know! Hermione, are you smoking weed? Sniffin' crack? Shootin' the breeze? HIGHER THAN A KITE?" Ron was trying to make his argument with out laughing. He failed.  
  
"Really, Ron. Grow up. True love is not a laughing matter."  
  
"Then why won't you tell us who he is? It's not that big of a deal. Just one little word, or two if you say his last name. Come on! Why not?"  
  
"Because you won't understand! No one understands!" Hermione began to cry and again, ran out of the cabin.  
  
"Whoa, déjà vu. Where does she go?" Harry asked Ron.  
  
"I have no idea. Probably the bathroom, or to meet Pooky Bear! Ha!" Then the train pulled into Hogworts.  
  
"I am so glad to be back! I had to do chores all summer and run away from Dudley. Do you have any idea how tiring that is? Well, believe me, it is. He may look slow, but his friends aren't."  
  
"You should have come to stay with me! My parents would have had you! You can stay next summer. Oh look! We get to go in carriages this year. I'm being sarcastic, Harry. I swear, sometimes you're as dumb as Goyle."  
  
"Duh?" That was none other that the "genious" himself, the kid who could barely spell his own name, Goyle. Wherever there's a Goyle, there's a...  
  
"Well, lookey lookey! It's Harry Potter. You're in luck, Potter. No dementor raids this year." Draco Malfoy walked over to Harry from behind Goyle. He never goes anywhere without his body guards Crabbe and Goyle.  
  
"Shove off, Malfoy. Aren't you late for your flea dip?"  
  
"Oh, you don't have to get feisty, Potter." Malfoy stalked off to go join the other Slytherins.  
  
The whole school was in the Great Hall for the annual feast and sorting of the new first-years. Then it was time for the yearly announcements.  
  
"Welcome new and returning students. I have a few brief announcements before Professor Dumbledore speaks. First of all, Filch the caretaker has asked me to remind that the new list of forbidden items is posted outside his office. He'd also like to remind students that anyone caught taunting, kicking, or in any other way bothering Mrs. Norris will be 'dealt with accordingly'. Professor, are you ready?  
  
"Yes, thank you Minerva. Welcome, students! I would like to say a few words before you all head off to your dormitories. First of all, quidditch is back on for this year. ("Yes!") And my last announcement, there is a dance for all students this fall! We decided that since last year's dance was such a success; it should be a Hogworts school tradition! The dance will be held in exactly one week from today. That is all, goodnight!" 


	3. Jealous?

"Crabbe Tree"  
  
Chapter 3; Jealous?  
  
Everyone was excited for the dance, even Harry and Ron. Harry was extremely relieved when he found out that you could go stag. (A/n: Ha! Stag, get it? Prongs, stag, ha! Again, I couldn't resist!) This time around, Ron and Harry were just going by themselves. Then again, Cho is available, isn't she? This was Harry's chance! But, this story isn't about Harry. So I'll leave you hanging. :-)  
  
"Hey Hermione! Are you going to the dance with your boyfriend to the dance?" Ron asked.  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact I am. Jealous?" Hermione couldn't keep a straight face. She had to laugh at the silliness of it all!  
  
"Jealous? Of what? No Ma'am, I am not jealous." Ron was slightly pink on his ears. This always happened when he was embarrassed. 


	4. The Girlfriend Who Doesn't Speak English

"Crabbe Tree"  
  
The Girlfriend Who Doesn't Speak English  
  
"Who should have the honor of going with me to the dance? I can have any Slytherin girl I want, but which one? Hmm. Suggestions?" Malfoy was in his dormitory with the other Slytherin guys.  
  
"Malfoy, we can bring dates, right?" Crabbe asked.  
  
"Uh, yea. I just said that. Weren't you listening?"  
  
"Sorry. I get to bring my girlfriend!"  
  
"NO! Crabbe she doesn't speak English and how do you know that she's even a girl??" (A/n: ~Hint~Hint~)  
  
"But I love her! With all of my heart and soul!"  
  
"Why can't you be like Goyle here? He doesn't have a girlfriend. Look at him, he's perfectly happy."  
  
"Duh?" Guess who? Goyle.  
  
"Never mind. Let's go or we're going to be late for potions." Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle sulked off to Snape's class. 


	5. All is Revealed!

Crabbe Tree  
  
All is Revealed!  
  
Today is the dance! The students only have morning classes, so that they have the whole afternoon to get ready. This is hardly an acceptable amount of time for the girls, but it's more than enough for the guys. As soon as the final bell rang, the girls dashed off to get ready, but the guys took their time. Then Harry and Ron played seven games of wizard chess and gobstones in the Gryffindor Common Room. Then, they finally got ready. When they came out, they found out that Hermione had already left to go meet up with her boyfriend.  
  
"She didn't even wait for us! How rude! Oh well. At least we finally get to meet her mystery man!" said to Harry. He was wearing brand-new, navy dress robes, a present from "Fred and George". Harry had new robes, too. His were forest green. ("They match your eyes, Harry." Mrs. Weasley had once said.)  
  
Harry and Ron walked on down to the Great Hall, hoping to see Hermione and her boyfriend. No such luck. The teachers had done a great job at decorating. There were enchanted silk streamers that changed color and magical, miniature shooting stars that flew above everyone's heads. DJ Merlin, the best Wizard DJ around, played the dance's music. Everyone was beginning to show up. For once in his life, Malfoy came in unaccompanied by Crabbe and Goyle, but instead by Pansy Parkinson.  
  
Then, to Harry's dismay, in walked Cho arm in arm with a foreign -exchange student named Ishbu Pappadushk. "See, Harry? That could have been you. Oh well, you'll just have to ask her to something else. I don't know what, but something else."  
  
"Thanks, Ron. I can always count on your kind words in a difficult time." Harry said, with a hint of sarcasm. Ok, more than a hint. Try the whole thing.  
  
Suddenly, everyone who was standing by the door ran away screaming. "What's going on?" Ron and Harry looked at each other. Then, it was obvious what had everyone screaming.  
  
In waltzed Crabbe, with none other than.... THE WHOMPING WILLOW TREE! "What the..." and "Oh no." Were very common. The Whomping Willow had been transplanted in a huge clay pot with wheels attached and with a tree skirt and had a pink bows on it's branches. It/she was propelling itself onto the dance floor with two of its branches.  
  
"It's ok, Ashley. They just don't understand us." Had Crabbe finally snapped? Yes, I think so. What a shame.  
  
"This is too much!" Said Harry. Him and Ron could hardly breathe, they were laughing so hard! Who can blame them?  
  
Next was the biggest surprise of the evening, including Crabbe and the tree. Goyle came in with.HERMIONE! "Oh no." Said Harry and Ron in unison. This was her new beau? Come on now, this had to be a joke.  
  
"Hermione? What are you smoking?"  
  
"Very funny, Ron. This is my new boyfriend."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes. Goyle and I have been together for three months now. So please leave us alone to dance. I'll see you guys tomorrow."  
  
"Harry, do you see any flying pigs? Or bits of falling sky? Because I thought that the instant Hermione ever lost her mind would be followed by the end of the world. You know?"  
  
"No, Ron. Except for Malfoy, no pigs. Do you think that Goyle put a spell on her?"  
  
"Goyle? Use magic? On a person? Nah. Something's fishy, and I don't mean Malfoy!" 


	6. The Revelation

Crabbe Tree; The Revelation  
  
I know I've skipped a lot of time, but I just had to end it like this. It's June and it's time for the students to return home, or in Harry's case back to his Aunt and Uncle's. Hermione broke up with Goyle a week after the dance. It turns out that Hermione was doing an experimenting a spell on her cat to make him like her neighbor's dog, but it backfired. They aren't sure why Hermione didn't end up liking the dog instead of Goyle, but who knows. Magic is a fickle thing.  
  
Ron continues to tease Hermione, though. I am sad to report that even though Hermione and Goyle broke up (THANK GOD!) Crabbe is still dating the Weeping Willow, or "Ashley", as he calls her. Malfoy is seriously ticked and embarrassed that he is associated with poor Crabbe. Even though he has threatened to "fire" Crabbe, we all know he won't do it. Goyle can't protect Malfoy all by his lonesome, now can he? And that concludes my story. Thanks for reading! :-) 


End file.
